Ever felt odd when that person who’s always ignored you comes up to you and becomes nice all of a sudden? When that person who’s always in the ‘I’m busy’ mode when you’re online suddenly opens a chat conversation and says “Hi! How are you today?”. Well, chances are, Mr/Mrs X wants a favour from you. In this post, I’ll give you a little tutorial on how to tell if someone wants something from you. Once you’re through with this, you’ll be unmasking those hypocritic maggots in no time! I shall move on to a little categorisation based on how cunning the maggot under consideration is. So with no further ado…
NOTE: I don’t know what you call such a person, so I guess I’ll continue referring to them as maggots throughout this tutorial. No offence to the real maggots which are just nice little crawly creatures who want to make the world a better place.
Level 1 maggot: Loser class
Skill level: poor
Sinister rating: 1/10
Signs: You’ve never had a conversation with him in your entire life, nor will you for many more lives to come, but this person actually walks into your room, sits on your bed and acts as if he’s very interested in whatever you’re doing. When asked, “Hey, what brings you here?”, he’s dumb enough to answer, “Nothing, just dropped by to say hi, we are friends and all aren’t we?”. Note, he said friends. Wrong answer. The verdict: maggot!
Comments: The one finger salute works well. Try it out.
Level 2 maggot: Grunt class
Skill level: less than average
Cunningness: less than average
Brains: Rumours are they do have some, but I still go for N/A
Sinister rating: 3/10
Signs: You’re sitting in the mess, cursing your rotten luck to be served cattle feed, when the suspected maggot comes running and sits right next to you. You observe he’s already had his meal. You also remember you’ve just given a kick ass presentation that morning. He puts his arm around you like you grew up together only to say, “Hey man! How’re you doing? How’s your life going?” Note that both the questions are related to you. This is a sure give away. This person has nothing to do with you at all and you’re not related. Chances are, he’s going to ask you to help him out with his project but he’s going to play around for a while before asking you for certain, just to make you feel comfortable.
Comments: Shove your plate up his throat. And then proceed with the one finger salute.
Level 3 maggot: Striker class
Skill level: above average
Cunningness: above average
Brains: A teeny weeny bit. Or maybe not.
Sinister rating: 6/10
Signs: You know there are a lot of people in your friends list who don’t give a beep about you and vice versa? That’s the kind of people that we’re talking about here. Now you’re working away in the server room trying to figure out a solution to a problem that has long been elusive. Then, the maggot opens up a chat conversation saying, “hi”. You also note that he’s got the ‘I’m busy/Don’t disturb/away/I’m dead’ status message up. The conversation proceeds as follows:
You: hi there! ssup?
…10 seconds later…
Maggot: how are you?
… Notice the delay…
You: uh…i’m ok. Wat abt you?
Maggot: i’m fine.
… It’s time to slip up you evil scum…
Maggot: wat are you workin on in the server room again?
This is where they all go wrong. The two of you might have been in the same class for maybe two years and it’s been a whole two semesters probably since you’ve been working in the server room and he knows it and you know that he knows it. BUT, he comes out of the blue and decides to ask you what you’ve been doing all along? It’s strange. It’s not like he woke up one fine morning and while having coffee, realisation struck, he went OMGWTF and he figured out he didn’t know what you’ve been doing in the server room all along. I’m sorry. What he really wants to do, is to get a conversation going so he can ask you a little while later to check his grades or something of that sort. Dork.
Comments: Tell him he flunked in all his subjects and that he’s got a sem back. It works great!
Level 4 maggot: Elite class
Skill level: High
Brains: Lots of it. Lots and lots of it. Or then again, I’m just kidding.
Sinister rating: 10/10
Signs: These guys are the mommy’s and daddy’s of all the above mentioned maggots. They’re the pros. If this whole thing was Warcraft, they would be some boss like Nerzhul, the Lich King. They’re pretty good at getting what they want from you. They’ll plan way in advance as to get what they want from you and how they’re going to go about to get it from you. Even people who rule as much as myself are prone to these things. They’re a menace and we should all unite to send them to oblivion. Yet again, I’ll take the example of a chat conversation but in this case, the hunter won’t make it that obvious until at least half an hour.
Elite maggot: Heya… long time! Have you forgotten me kya?
You: oh hi. yeah right. long time!
Elite maggot: So what have you been doing?
You: oh nothing…just working away…
Elite maggot: i c. when’re you going home?
…blah blah blah…
…blah blah blah…
…blah blah blah…
20-30 minutes later, the maggot is out of things to talk about…
Elite maggot: temme…howz ur (continued below)
Remember, all this person wants from you is the favour and he/she doesn’t give a shit about you or your life, let alone your…
(continued from above) ….girlfriend?
It’s a 99% complete give away and this is a sign for you to become cautious. Put up your guard and be on the defense. Or better, do what I do…
You: hey…the connection seems to have some probs here. I might get disconnected any sec…
Elite maggot: wait… can you do me a favour?
And it’s at exactly that instant that you turn invisible to the maggot. You have to time this right ok? It’s all about practice. But do keep in mind that this depends heavily on the IM client you’re using. For example, in Gtalk, it takes a while for the other person to get the message that you’re offline. So it’s all about preventing the maggot from knowing that you’re sure there’s that question coming to you.
Comments: Once you turn invisible, either block that person or ignore him/her for at least a century and a half.
So there you go folks. Hope this helps. And don’t forget, squish ‘em maggots! And an advice to anyone who wants a favour from me; JUST ASK!